Honesty in 2018

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Four years ago, right around this time, I started the conversation of producing a television series for young women in my parent's living room. I knew nothing, but I was sure of everything in those months of pre-production. Would anyone watch? Would anyone care? Would they think we were crazy or funny? Would they see Jesus in us? All those thoughts rolled around in my head and my heart, but I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God was in it. So no matter what people thought, I didn't much care. It was a time where I was taking risks, unafraid to fail, and believing for the extraordinary in every part of my life.

To be honest, I've lost sight of that kid a bit. From disappointments, to people who seemed to have good intentions of helping, only to find their intentions weren't so good in the end. Ups and downs with production and post-production. There were family issues, loss of dreams, things that took too long by my earthly watch. I didn't realize it, but I slowly talked myself out of being a risk-taker, out of dreaming BIG, out of believing that I would see the extraordinary. It was safer. I could manage the amount of hurt or failure by controlling how much of my heart I put on the line. The change was steady though. I didn't even realize it myself until now. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's what got me through the tough times. I guarded my heart for a long time. It's natural, right? That innate ability to protect ourselves. Animals do it. Like armadillos or those cute little goats who play dead when they get scared. It's our fight or flight instinct. The thing with me is that I didn't fight and I didn't fly away. I couldn't even tell you what I did. I maintained, I guess? I did enough to keep moving. I was pouring out, but there wasn't enough coming back in so I put a cap on it. I could only give what I had for that day and that was it. For most people, that's pretty standard or normal. For me, it was a huge, weird life change. Joy was in short supply, my faith was dwindling, something had to change. The only way it was going to change, though, was when I stopped being afraid and started to trust God fully again like I did all those years ago. It's been a slow process, but everyday I wake up and give it to him. Do I feel the joy every single day? Nope. Do I fully believe the dreams I've had for years will come to pass? Maybe? It's like walking out on a frozen pond. Sure it's rock solid, but there's still a bit of hesitancy as you step out. I'm cautious, but I'm moving forward. I know the more I step out, my confidence will build. Little by little, yes, but it's building and strengthening.

Please don't take all of this as a sob story. I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, I've just gone through a lot of life. It happens sometimes. There are seasons we go through that are less than wonderful. Truthfully, I had no idea this is what was going to come out of me this morning. I intended to write a quick Facebook post and somehow we ended up here. So I figured I would be honest with you of where I'm at. What you see on the show is very real and everything written in this post is very real. I'm both people. The coolest thing I've seen through all of this is that God, in the midst of my weird, roller coaster of a life, has been with me. He's been waiting for me to come around. At times he put me on the bench, he's protected me, he's toughened me up and softened my heart again. He's given me the ability to handle all the craziness. It hasn't been easy, but I've only gotten through it with him. The new season of life I'm in has me in a place of daily ministry and has allowed me to get back on my emotional feet. Has it been challenging? Oh yeah. Would I trade it for anything right now, knowing all that God is doing and going to do? Not a chance.

Am I ever going to be able to get that bright-eyed kid back from 2014? Mmm probably not. Is it possible to take all of the stuff that's happened and be a better, wiser, version of that person? I think so. I am once again believing for the extraordinary and hoping for the things I thought impossible in 2018. I'm sure there are some that can relate to my story, while there are others who will roll their eyes and think what a (fill in the blank.)

Either way, I wish you every happiness as we start this year off and I am believing for God encounter after God encounter throughout the months to come.

You've been with me since the beginning, so stick with me cause it's far from over!